Here are 3 steps you can take to create a stress-free shared care Christmas Day for you and your children.
Step 1. Do not assume anything.
Make sure you and your former partner have discussed and agreed on the Christmas Day arrangements well in advance. Christmas arrangements should be part of your Parenting Plan and be organised months ahead of time. Even if you have had the same arrangements for years, confirm, confirm, confirm. If you give individual gifts, make sure you haven’t doubled up.
Are you spending Christmas together as a family? What do you need to bring?
If not, double-check drop-off and pick-up times; scheduling is the key to getting everywhere you need to be with the minimum of fuss on Christmas Day.
Step 2. Be on time.
If you have organised to be somewhere at a certain time, be there. If you are unavoidably detained (e.g., due to a catastrophic event) and will be late, call your former partner to let them know. Being late can interfere with the other parent’s plans and leave your children feeling hurt and disillusioned.
If your children are old enough to know the time, or you have confided to them when you will be picking them up, they will know if you are late, and they will internalise their disappointment. So don’t spoil your child’s day; Christmas is about children, so don’t be late, and don’t be early either!
Don’t encroach on the other parent’s time or expect to be invited in. You both love these children and want to spend time with them and be considerate of each other.
Step 3. Stay out of conflict with the other parent.
Even if you and your former partner don’t get on, don’t let your children see it, and don’t involve them in any discussion about the other parent. Your children love you both and want to make you both happy. Let them, don’t make Christmas Day another day about your grievances or disappointments.
Christmas can be a very challenging time for separated parents, especially if you are alternating years. If you do alternate Christmas Day and it is not your year, plan a separate Christmas celebration for you and your children. If possible, have your celebration on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day.
If you share the day, make sure you are on time for pick up and give your children a few minutes to say goodbye to the family and friends they are leaving behind. Expect some tears and sadness; your children will be sad to be leaving their presents and the fun they are having. Make sure there is something fun waiting for them at your celebration.
How you manage shared care on Christmas Day varies depending on the ages of your children.
- Pre-school-age children and toddlers are often happy to go along with the flow. They probably won’t be too upset about leaving one home on the promise that Santa has visited the other home.
- School-age children can be more demanding and might resist moving between homes, especially if this is a new experience for them. Stay upbeat and enthusiastic about the day you have planned. Be excited to see them, and if you are the one doing the driving, play Christmas carols on the drive. If there is family waiting to see them, let them know and talk to them about their day so far; let them be happy to share their joy with you.
- Teenagers might seem sullen and disinterested, but usually, it is a smoke screen, a way not to be excited because being excited isn’t cool (if being cool is still a thing). There will be family they want to see and gifts they are hoping to receive, and they are most likely looking forward to spending time with you, so engage with them, even if you don’t get much back.
For more detailed guidance on how children understand separation at different developmental stages, see our age-by-age guide.
For more tips on shared care at Christmas
If you’re finding it difficult to organise shared care Christmas Day arrangements or want support to reduce conflict and keep Christmas child-focused, you may find the following helpful:
- A child-focused practice
- Parenting arrangements
- Children and separation
- Download this article as a PDF
- For additional guidance on supporting children during the holiday period, visit the Raising Children Network
